Happy mothers day to my ex wife

Q: My wife’s ex has an annoying habit that neither I nor my wife like, but are not sure how to handle. Every Mother’s Day, he calls my wife to wish her a “Happy Mother’s Day” and to talk sweet for a few minutes. They have been divorced for 12 years and the kids are in college! He does nothing without an ulterior motive. It is our well-founded belief, that he does this just to rub me the wrong way. Should we tell him to stop or allow something to continue that grates?

A: There are times that wishing an ex Happy Mother’s Day or Happy Father’s Day is offered as a gesture of respect, but the act can be easily misunderstood as an effort to reconcile or at least reminisce about lost love, which can appear to be hitting below the belt if one of the partners has moved on. Once divorced, it’s best to let the children acknowledge their own parent by wishing them a happy day. In order to keep misunderstandings to a minimum, it’s best if divorced parents keep their conversations to just about the kids.

Don’t get us wrong, although it rarely happens, most would certainly appreciate their ex telling them that they think they are doing a good job as a parent, but that can be done on any day, not just Mother’s Day or Father’s Day when emotions run high and new partners might perceive the acknowledgment as playing games. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are days to acknowledge one’s parent — not necessarily one’s ability to parent. This is not to be compared to a divorced parent buying a card or present from their child for the other parent on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. That is an excellent way for a divorced parent to teach their child respect for the other parent.

Since both of you are convinced that your wife’s ex has an ulterior motive, asking him to stop is certainly in order. Your wife should be the one to say something, not you.

Although you believe the reason for all this sweetness is to get your goat, good ex etiquette suggests that your wife is the one to establish appropriate boundaries with her ex. If you say something, she may appreciate your chivalry, but if the ex does have ulterior motives, your obvious anger will just fuel the fire. Don’t perpetuate the games by reacting. The kids are grown and out of the house, and your interaction with your wife’s ex is minimal. He can only be a master of manipulation if you allow yourself to be manipulated.

East Bay residents Jann Blackstone-Ford, Ph.D., and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com). Reach them at . Dr. Jann practices at the Del Valle Clinic in Livermore.