I messed up my life beyond repair

HELP
Ugh, I don’t even know where to begin here. And I almost feel crazy for seeking validation from complete strangers… but I’ve read some of your replies… and I think you may be able to at least help me put things in perspective. I’ve never done anything like this so please bear with me.
Ok, So, I’ve been divorced for about 3 years… He had NPD and pretty much ruined my life for the loveless, sexless 5 year marriage we were in. That’s a whole other story… he messed me up so bad that I pretty much didn’t leave my house for over a year, unless i was picking or dropping my kids off at school. I was so depressed, I almost didn’t make it out. With that being said, My mom committed suicide when I was 5. She was my entire world… she had me when she was 16, I didn’t have a father and I had no siblings. However, she did bounce from boyfriend to boyfriend and they would do drugs and she would get beat up… 42 years later, I still remember. When she died, my life instantly became this big black hole of fear, loneliness and uncertainty. In an instant my whole life changed. I was adopted by an older Greek family, I know they meant well… but the mother was a stay at home mom who spoke very broken English and the father was a sweet man but he was never home and had several affairs. Their 3 kids resented me because I wasn’t treated like they had been treated as kids, I think i was treated more like a grandchild, or a pet to give the mother something to do so she would stay off the father’s back. Anyway, their kids were not very nice to me. They would tell me how worthless I was (as worthless as tits on a bull, i believe was the quote of choice). The would tell me my mom never loved me and if it weren’t for them, I’d be nothing and I was an ungrateful brat. I was fat and ugly and stupid… Then, when the mother got sick, I had to live with their middle child. The mental abuse turned into physical abuse.
None of that was for sympathy… please, it only makes me feel worse… It’s for a bit of understanding, as to how broken i am.

Fast forward to today…I have been dating a man for 7 months now… He is a radio show/podcast host with 3 others and most of their shows are at bars as they discuss new craft beers. I live 2 hours away and have 2 children at home so I can’t be at those shows. He has a real job and only does the podcast a couple days a week. But he’s trying to grow his business so he is always on social media…. getting attention from women as well as others. I’m sure you’ve probably already guessed I have abandonment and trust issues. So this doesn’t make for a winning combination! But I love him. And I fell in love with him completely by accident. I wasn’t looking for anything… after my year of hermit mode, I made myself get out and do things. I went out with a couple guys but nothing I saw as long term. Then I gave up for a while and I was content being alone. I enjoyed not being stressed or worried. Then long story short, he contacted me on Facebook… which usually annoyed me because I was sick of strange men asking me out. I had NO desire to ever date again. But I knew his sister so I thought he’d be cool too. He was… super cool. He wasn’t looking either… he wondered how we had so many mutual friends but didn’t know each other. The more we talked, the more we couldn’t wait to actually meet. I really tried hard not to like him. I just kept telling myself he was someone to hang out with. He was a total gentleman for a couple months! We meshed in every way… or so it appeared.

He finally told me he had a roommate… a girl… an ex girlfriend. ugh. I hate it! But they have both told me that they broke up 6 years ago and neither of them have wanted to go down that road again. So, they have lived together on and off for over 6 years. She’s been engaged but it didn’t work so she moved back, 2 years ago. She would text him on the weekends we were together… and he lied to me about it at first until i saw a text from her come in. Then he said he lied to protect my feelings. So I told him he needed to set some healthy boundaries… he wouldn’t do it. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings. So we would argue about how i felt he was putting her feeling above mine. He disagreed and we would just go around and around about it. Then he told me I should just meet her and then I could start staying there… so every other weekend, we would either stay at his brother’s or we would get a hotel room… that started getting extremely expensive. So I agreed to meet her. I don’t like her. She has no filter and just very self centered. But I faked it. Well then he tells me I still can’t stay there because she doesn’t know me and it’s her house too. So their plan is, she is going to buy the house from him in January. I’m not so sure I see it happening… but we’ll see.
Ok, that’s one issue… then there’s the issue of him and his social media. He has a business page and a personal page, both on Instagram and on Facebook. Well, on Facebook, i noticed that he would friend single women in his area. I of course addressed it immediately and he told me I just needed to trust him. I had guys on my page and he trusts me! I tried to explain to him that trust was very difficult for me and it had to be earned. He said, NO, I just needed to trust him, he needs to be trusted. So, i gave him my history and told him I needed time to trust… that’s how i was wired because of situations I’ve lived through. He told me we just had to agree to disagree. All I asked of him was to be open and not hide his phone all the time. It makes me feel like he has something to hide. But he refuses. And I see him on social media all the time… which he claims is all about growing his business. But I can’t help but feel he is hiding something, he did lie to me before! But he won’t acknowledge that… he keeps saying it was to protect my feelings. I have so much anxiety and fear… and I cry a LOT! I’ve told him this wasn’t working for me… I needed him to be open so i could see I could trust him. But he just argues that I’m not respecting his feelings. It’s all just so frustrating… I don’t really know what to do.
I know if it were my daughter coming to me with all of this, I would tell her to run… fast and far! But for some reason I can’t. And Im starting to feel some resentment set in.

Please, if I’m just crazy, tell me straight up. I’ll accept it and try to figure it out.

Sorry this is so long… but there’s a lot to know to be able to make a clear assessment of the sucky situation.

Thank you for reading this far! i look forward to any help i can get!

Mikki

• This topic was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by
  
  Mikki.