Questions to ask your partner before ending a relationship

So your partner's done something that scores major points against them in your book. Maybe they've expressed a belief you ardently disagree with, or maybe they've wronged you in a way that's not totally unforgivable but still pretty troubling. Perhaps they've even cheated, but you're just not sure you want to throw the relationship away.

Is this just another challenge that'll make you two stronger, or is it a sign that you should cut your losses and break up?

Sticking around in a relationship that's unhealthy or unhappy is a common mistake—but so is leaving one that still holds promise. So how can you be appropriately self-preserving while still giving your relationship a fair chance?

Here are some common relationship questions to ask yourself if you're having trouble figuring out if you should stay or go:

1. Have we made any progress with this issue?

Don't assume a problem isn't even worth confronting because your partner will just react badly anyway. Give them a chance to make it better. It's not just about what they've done—it's about how sympathetic their reaction is when you bring it up. Couples' counselor Julienne Derichs, LCPC recommends asking, "Can we work through problems and differences in a way that moves us forward? Or do we circle back to the same issue over and over again and get nowhere?"

2. Is it them or is it me (even just a little bit)?

If you're thinking of breaking up with someone, chances are you think there's an issue with them. But take a second to reflect on yourself, says Derichs. If all your relationship's problems appear to be caused by your partner, it's possible you're unfairly blaming everything on them. Is there any role you played? Are there mistakes you've made as well? If you leave someone over something you're actually responsible for, it'll show up again with the next person you get together with.

3. Does this relationship provide a net gain for my happiness?

Even if you love your S.O. with all your heart, that’s not enough of a reason to stay if they ultimately make you miserable. On the flip side, even if they drive you crazy, it’s worth sticking around if they still change your life for the better overall. Couples therapist Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT doesn't recommend leaving someone unless you’re confident you’d be better off without them.

4. Could things return to the way they were?

If you’re trying to figure out if you could be happier in your relationship, Tatkin recommends thinking of times you were happier before and asking yourself if you can recreate those conditions. Was there a particular time when things started to go south? What was different before that point? What would it take for things to get that way again?

5. Am I willing to put in the effort necessary to save the relationship?

Be realistic about what it would take to salvage your relationship, says Tatkin, and ask yourself whether you really have the energy to go through that—especially knowing that it may or may not work.

Whether you just met or you’ve had a crush for a while, typical relationships usually start with a clap of chemistry and the rush of attraction.

The act of questioning your love for a particular person can be the first sign that you are considering ending it.

Apart from this, there are many other reasons for wanting to bring a romantic relationship to an end.

While this is a matter of choice and your decision to make, it’s crucial to consider questions to ask yourself before ending a relationship; to be sure you’re making the right decision and not one that you’ll regret in retrospect.

This could be heartbreaking, yes, but sometimes it’s necessary. 

Here are 10 important questions to ask yourself before ending a relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

1. What does my future look like with my partner? 

Talking about the future can be scary and intimidating but with the right person, that shouldn’t be an issue.

This doesn’t mean you’re sure of what the future holds because, who does?

We live life by faith and hope.

However, determining whether you and your partner have the same goals in mind is a big step in figuring out whether or not the relationship should continue.

You shouldn’t be with someone who makes you feel limited.

So, in some way, you can predict your future with your partner if you consider your goals as individuals and as a couple.

Do your goals align or you’re headed in opposite directions?

2. Are my needs being met? 

When your emotional needs are unmet by those you are closest to and therefore most dependent on, especially your partner, you can find yourself feeling unloved, rejected, and alone.

When you communicate your hurt and nothing changes, resentment, and bitterness set in.

However, you must be sure that you don’t have unrealistic expectations because if that’s the case, you might be the problem and not your partner.

3. Why am I in this relationship? 

One of the main purposes of dating is for two people to evaluate each other’s suitability as a long-term companion or spouse.

They say if the purpose of a thing is not known, abuse is inevitable.

One of the questions to ask yourself before ending a relationship is—why did I start this relationship? Or why did I agree to date this person?

Asking this question will help you to put things into perspective and make the decision that’s best for you.

4. Will I be happier without this person? 

This is the million-dollar question – what would your life look like without them around?

If you imagine yourself as a happier, freer, more peaceful person, you need to sit down with your partner and come clean about your feelings.

Breakups can cause a temporary upheaval and emotional tidal wave in your life, but you will feel much better following your heart and cleansing your life of any negativity. 

5. Do I feel happy or upset the majority of the time with my partner? 

No relationship is terrific at every moment; one reason commitment is so valuable is that it carries us through the less-than-terrific times.

It’s when the less-than-terrific times become the norm, and you don’t anticipate any terrific ones soon, that you naturally (and justifiably) start to think of alternatives.

If you have more sad moments than happy ones in your relationship, considering a breakup might be the right decision for you.

6. Would I regret it? 

Five years from now, would you look back and wish you had moved on from the relationship?

Living with regrets will always leave a deeper wound than getting out of an unfulfilling relationship, even if that means you have to be single for a while.

Stay true to your heart, and never stay in a relationship just because it feels comfortable, or because you feel like you’d be letting the other person down.

This is one question I ask anyone who asks me if they’re making the right decision breaking up.

“If you saw your partner in ten years, married, and you were still single, would you regret breaking up with them?”

This is probably one of the most important questions you can ask yourself in deciding whether to break up with your partner or not.

7. Do I still love my partner?

Try to determine how your overall quality of life changes when you are with them and without them.

If they become your number one priority and your work performance, family relationships, and self-care all fall to the wayside, it may not be a healthy relationship.

However, if you truly feel like a better person when you’re with them, if your partner still gives you the tingles and makes you happy, that’s something you don’t want to slip away. 

Although sometimes, this isn’t enough. As a matter of fact, letting someone go might be the best way to prove your love to them.

8. Does my partner still love me? 

If your partner still speaks your love languages effectively, seeks your opinion, shows you love, confides in you, listens to you, meets your needs, and makes you a huge part of his/her life, then you should ask yourself if that’s enough for you or you really want to let go.

9. What are my fears?

It’s not strange to have some fears concerning your partner or your future together.

However, there should be a conviction in your heart that everything will be fine.

Your fears should not be louder than your conviction.

I once ended things with an ex because I had fears that wouldn’t just go away no matter how much I tried to convince myself.

Make no mistake, we loved each other dearly but the fears were too intense to be ignored.

That is why I wrote earlier that loving each other might not be enough.

You need to put some other things into consideration.

So, ask yourself what you are afraid of.

10. What are my deal-breakers?

If you don’t know what your deal-breakers are, how can you tell if someone is right for you?

Not having deal-breakers is a way to stand for nothing and fall for anything.

The answers to these ten questions to ask yourself before ending a relationship will help you decide what is best for you.

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